It took me some time to get around and write this post. This blog is now closed. I was in the situation to decide if I am going back to South Sudan for 6 more months or not go back at all. I felt really tired, so decided that the best for me (and maybe also for the office) is not to go back. I know that I will miss it like hell, but definitely will come back to Africa as soon as I can.

In the meantime I resigned and found another job and heading back to the field in probably a week time. This time around or rather again the destination is Asia. I hope will have time and good internet connection to start a new blog. If I do I will post the link here.

Just for the record:) as of today, this blog had 738 individual readers.

Good night and good luck!

I made no entry for the last two weeks or even more. I am terribly lazy, I enjoy doing nothing and for a good reason I may say. Being a couch potato, watching TV, reading, hanging out with friends. It’s not that bad, isn’t it? I also traveled out of town to meet friends. Crazy me.

I have to say that I feel very lucky with the friends that I have. Coming home was a revelation, an epiphany from this point of view. When I am away I always neglect friends: being in the field it is such a different universe for me and in certain moments it is hard to imagine that something else exists. This is the reason why I write seldomly. But now coming home and partying with friends, clubbin’, talking and drinking until daybreak felt like a revelation. Add to this the fact that I was able to talk in my mother tongue after a good couple of months. To make a long story short: for a couple of moments I actually had the feeling that I could move home. Emphasis on the “couple of moments”.

I arrived back to Europe last Friday. Oh, how nice was the weekend: pretty much doing useless enjoyable things like drinking an undefined number of mojitos with some beer and mad dog “side dish” and having nice company.

The city is grey, pretty depressing. At least there was snow last night so for some hours it was white and nice. Besides being grey depressing, the city is also boooring! I remember I was waiting so much to come back, I really needed a change in the scenery, but I find it quite boring here. Just as my friends who used to work in the field. However, there are notable postive aspects, such as the morning cappucino from the coffee shop at the corner, croissant, all types of cheese and yoghurt. It is also very strange: I do not miss Sudan at all.

I did not have any cultural shock. Usually the reverse cultural shock is much more “severe” but this time around I got away with it or rather without it. The only thing that really fascinates me is “beauty”. Things are decorated, some activities are done only to make something more beautiful or chic or more attractive. You could say that I care too much about the “surface”, but where I was living for the last couple of months the aestethical aspect was understandably not a priority. It is nice to rediscover “normal” life.

In the meantime I got addicted to a Norwegian band called Magrugada. This is pretty much all me: having a record on a heavy spin for two, three weeks and later not listening to it for months and months. I knew the band earlier (check the link in the right column) but now it fits so well to the cold, rainy/snowy weather, that simply cannot turn it off.

It is not much fun to travel in this kind of weather, but really looking forward to take an overnight train ride. So nice to go to the restaurant vagon with a book, order an almost undrinkable coffee and read (maybe smoke:)), or stare out the window for hours on end and watch how the landscape changes. After the coffee of course no sleeping almost all night, nevertheless when the Sun comes up you can easily peel off the tiredness and have another coffee.

Today Cambodia made it to the headlines. Just saw a report on the BBC about the site visits made by Duch at the Tuol Seng prison and at the mass grave at Choeung Ek. The report talks about Comrade Duch being emotional, saying a prayer and weeping at both sites.

I am really sorry, but weeping and being “emotional” just simply is not enough. The man run the Tuol Seng where more than 15,000 person were tortured and killed. Barely anyone escaped the killing/torturing machine masterminded by Duch. Head of children were smashed to tree trunk at Choeung Ek and don’t really want to go into more details about torture methods used in Tuol Seng. And Duch’s best is weeping.

I still remember his “portrait” in Nic Dunlop’s book, which by the way is one of the best written on the topic. Maybe working for humanitarian agencies was Duch idea of penitence?

I really and truly wonder what he must feel now. Standing there in the box, being photographed and written about, soon to stand trial. On the TV he just had a stone face. Does he feel remorse at all? Does he remember any prisoners? Does he still hear the screams when he awakes at night? Does he have any nightmares? I hope yes. Probably that is not much consolation for the survivors and families of the victims, but it is still something.

The confession of Hu Nim (a former senior figure in the Khmer government) obtained after torture ended with the following words: “I am not a human being, I’m an animal”. I wonder who is the “animal” here? No need to answer, this was just a rhetorical question.

Four more days and I am leaving my duty station. Then 3 days in Juba and then going on R&R! I really need a change in the air, scenery, whatever. Just a change. Unfortunately my R&R won’t be that jolly after all: handling the last leg of my divorce, but I guess I’ll be ok. It will be so great to see friends after almost a year. Sometimes I really feel guilty for neglecting them, but I find it so hard to write mails from the field.

More and more often I think about leaving South Sudan. This is my seventh month, usually it is not so hard to resist for 9 months. The problems might start later. Life is tough here: I’ve been living in a tent for 7 months, in the beginning we did not have power or internet, the shower is still a bucket and a cup. But actually I don’t mind all this: in a way it makes you free, it makes you detached from all the useless stuff in the developed world and it proves that it is possible to live in so basic conditions. As a Tom Barman – Guy van Neuten song says: “Luxury is a rich man’s take on reality”.
But I do miss a good morning cafe au lait or a match of tennis:) Tell me I am not spoiled;)

When I think about leaving this place I get full of excitement: something new, somewhere else and my thought immediately are somewhere else. But I feel also sadness: I went through so many things here, good and bad. The looser that I am, I will remember only the good things. And needed to “reinvent” myself and by some strange twist of faith it happened right here. That is one connection that never can be broken.

“My name is John and I am addicted to the Flight of the Conchords” and the room goes “Hi John!!”. Ok, my name is not John, but I am addicted to the Flight of the Conchords: already saw the first series a couple of times and just can get away from those addictive songs. I do burst out in songs:) A couple of times a day. I know, I know, I need treatment.

In the 1st episode there is a scene when Jemaine meets Sally. The lyrics of the song go a bit like this: “Looking at the room, I can tell that you are the most beautiful girl in the… room (Brent in the background: in the whole wide room). When you’re on the street, depending on the street, I bet that you are definitely in the top 3.” Why I am writing this?

Last night I hang out with the guys from UNMIS and I met one soldier from Mozambique who got married two weeks ago. Obviously, I congratulated him and ask how he met his wife. His answer was: “I was in the bus and she caught my attention because she was the most beautiful girl in the… bus”.

My new friend from Mozambique is one interesting character, too bad I am not a journalist:) He was trained in the Soviet Union, his helicoter got shot down twice, he spoke Italian and Russian. The stories that he was telling me are probably outdated, but it was interesting to hear how the Soviet Union was selling a version of napalm to the communists in Mozambique or how Malawi almost got runned over by the Army from Mozambique.

Still my favourite was when he was telling me in Italian: “Mi piace una bella pasta!”

For three days I did not leave my compound. Nice ‘t’was:) I just did my own stuff in my own rhythm: working, readings books, hang out on the net, write and other highly important things. This weekend I got to the end of my to-do-list, what to do? I hope Armageddon is not coming yet.

The truth is that I am worn out and the last three days alone really helped me to rest. In previous missions I saw people getting worn out, demotivated. Now I am in that situation and need to admit that sometimes I really need to work hard to get myself out of bed. This year so far was really crap, but the good news is, as Yaz would say, “the only way is up, baby!”  ;)

Today  afternoon I had a nice visit from a friend and it looks like in a 5 km radius I am not the only one worn out. I was never a complainer, but in fact to complain a bit helps, especially if you are doing it to a person who knows what are you talking about.

Another good news is that in 17 days my holiday is coming up. It won’t be all jolly time, but I am so happy that I will see my friends after almost a year:) 

A week ago I finished Romeo Dallaire’s book entitled “Shake hands with the devil”. Some years ago I saw the documentary when he returns to Rwanda for the first time since the genocide. Already don’t remember much, but what I do remember is the thought that this is a haunted man. Well, the book explains more in details why he is haunted.

It is not easy to sum up this book, but if you are looking for a detailed description of the Rwandan genocide, you need to read this book. Obviously, keep in mind, that just as any other, this is a subjective description. As far as I am concerned this makes it even more valuable.Dallaire struggles to keep the country in one piece, implement the Arusha peace agreement and later tries to prevent or reduce the scale of the genocide. He fails, but as I see it: he did his best. While he was trying and sometimes managing to save lives, others did not care, were off in Nairobi in fancy hotels, while UN SC members were playing the “game” until it was too late. Sometimes I still see the question in articles about the genocide in Rwanda : “How could the world let this happen?”. Dallaire’s book just answers this question.

After loosing some of his men, several suicide attempts and homeless episodes, I wonder if Dallaire could go back to the past, would he change his to a 9-to-5 pencil pushing office job? After reading his book,  I think the answer is no.

In the conclusion of the book he describes a method used by the Canadian Forces to teach recruits about the nature of the world. I found this method very easy and conclusive. “If the entire population of the planet is represented by one hundred people, fifty-seven live in Asia, twenty-one in Europe, fourteen in North and South America, and eight in Africa. (…) Fifty percent of the wealth of the world is in the hands of six people, all of whom are Americans. Seventy people are unable to read or write. Fifty suffer from malnutrition (…), thirty-five do not have accessto safe drinking water. Only one has university or college education.” Something to think about. 

The winners for the World Press Photo for 2007 were announced. The 1st prize went to Tim Hetherington for his photo of a US soldier resting in bunker. There is so much “between the lines” I would say if this would be prose, but probably I should just say that it is a very talkative photo.However, I think that there were much better photos in the competition, who would have deserved the 1st prize. For example, the photos of Balazs Gardi (winner in two categories) are a real “treat”. The picture of an old man holding a young wounded boy seems almost from Biblical times. The face of the boy shows no pain, rather deep sadness and disappointment, while the old man is looking upwards at something which is not in the picture. Hard to describe it, but for me it is almost the perfect picture. The photos of Cedric Guberhaye from Congo are also impressive. 

At each World  Press Photo I used to pay attention to the countries/hotspots shown by the winners. I think this is a very good way to see where the media focused its attention during the last year. The first place goes to… Kenya! In the last 4 days of the year, the Kenyan election managed to grab the media attention to this extent. Amazing. Other hotspots: Zimbabwe, Colombia, Pakistan, Iraq, Afghanistan, Israel/Palestine, Darfur, Congo and Chad. Five of the above mentioned are in Africa!

The Sport category looks great this year. Three of my favourites are: Ivaylov’s picture of a skier escaping the avalanche, the body boarder and the Yoga performers. I am happy that Erik Refner also collected something this year, have been paying attention to his work, but have to say that I rather prefer his photojournalism work. His Darfur pictures are still one of the best I’ve ever seen. 

See the winners on the World Press Photo website.